Have you ever read the Five Love languages by Gary Chapman? This weekend I learned something important from the book.
The basic premise of it is this:
Each of us receive love in one of five main ways.
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
The first thing I learned had to do with how I interpreted Robert and my love languages. Thankfully, several of our top rated languages are the same.
Both of us speak the languages of Physical Touch and Quality Time. Whenever we are within arm’s length of each other, we are touching. Holding hands, resting a palm on a shoulder, hand, or leg, when we fall asleep, our legs are almost always tangled together. Both of us feel reassured and loved when we are able to touch and be touched by the other person.
It is also unusual to find one of us out and about without the other unless we are working. We do almost everything together. Shopping, sporting events, travel, social functions, family events, cleaning my office or the church, and we both enjoy the time we spend together in the car driving to these various activities. “Attached at the hip” is an apt description for us. We just love being with the other person.
However, our other two languages are very different. His is Acts of Service, and mine is Words of Affirmation.
While we are both fairly adept at meeting these needs when we are at home, I recently came to realize they were causing some mismanaged expectations during our Quality Time moments.
It all comes down to defining what “Quality” is to Robert verses what it means to me. Both of us would consider going to sporting events or doing some activity such as hiking or rafting Quality Time. However, those aren’t frequent – meaning weekly or daily – events. In our everyday time together, his idea of Quality Time spent together is working on something, serving someone, or completing a task around the house, church, or other place. It might also be time spent planning a trip, a project, or talking through our schedules or finances. He wants to be doing and going and accomplishing.
ME on the other hand, in our daily time together, I prefer to talk about the previous church service or message, our personal relationship, TV or books we are currently enjoying, how we ‘feel’ at the moment about any given thing happening. I want to talk about how I appreciate it when he notices the new dress or shirt I just bought, or to share my latest story idea. I want to talk and feel and share.
We run into unmet expectations when we lose sight of our differences when it comes to how we spend our time together. There are long stretches of time when all I seem to be able to think about is how I ‘feel’ about what is happening, or – more often – I am so excited about a new story I am working on, all I can ‘hear’ in my head are the voices of my characters. When this happens, that is what I want to talk about during our time together.
After about the third day of this (or third hour) Robert can start to tune it out. He is a trooper, and most of the time he’ll gladly engage with me when I am in these stretches of creative and emotional wormholes. Yes. Wormholes, because the thoughts and inspirations for stories and the emotions from all the other things going on in life are usually connected somehow. I start out in one place, talking about the latest amazing message from LWD, and all of a sudden, I’m writing a new scene for a new story that was sparked by the message. Same with reading a book. I’ll get hooked on something I’m reading, and all of a sudden it reveals a new truth I just HAVE to talk about. And so the cycle goes. And goes. And…until he disengages because HIS need is to accomplish something physical.
He needs to clean out a flowerbed or a cluttered room. He wants to get the grocery shopping and cleaning done, or he wants me to help him plan our next trip or project if we aren’t already in the middle of one.
When we don’t pay attention to what the other person needs from our time together at any given moment, we get frustrated. He ends up being focused on getting ‘work’ done, and I am doing my best to get him to ‘play,’ and our time together is anything but quality.
BOTH are necessary. If it wasn’t for his dogged determination to get things done, I would never leave the house. If it wasn’t for me convincing him to talk or do nothing, he would never stop moving.
This seems so obvious, but recently, it was causing a lot of frustration between us. We were together. We WANTED to be together, but neither of us felt like the time together was productive or ‘Quality.’
This is still likely to cause frustration, but at least now we will be better able to recognize what’s happening.
From the “This Is Too Transparent” file…
Here’s something you might not realize about someone whose PRIMARY love language is Acts of Service…You probably won’t know they don’t feel loved until they believe they are so unwanted they are ready to walk away.
When they love someone deeply, they are fiercely loyal and will give their love (acts of service) freely and lavishly – to the point of wearing themselves out emotionally, physically, and spiritually. All they KNOW in their being is that serving = love. They will be your biggest behind the scenes fan, carrying totes, arranging travel, planning accommodations, cutting your grass, doing the things they know you don’t have time to do. And they will also carry the burden for making sure you don’t have to think about all the small (or large) tasks that might take you away from your ‘thing.’ When they sense you are getting overwhelmed or that you need more help – they won’t hesitate to offer to take on something for you. EVEN if they themselves are already overwhelmed.
They lavishly give away the most precious commodity this life has – their time, their resources, their talents and gifts. YOU get it. As much as you need. The moment you need it. They will put their own needs and ‘task lists’ aside to make sure you have what you need.
They probably aren’t the emotional, needy ones who want to talk to you when they are bugged. (Or when they are in a good mood for that matter.) They are accomplishment focused, and as long as things are being accomplished they are content.
Until – Love IN THE FORM OF SERVICE is not returned to them for an extended period of time. Oh, they won’t say anything, and they are also the least likely to ask for or even accept help which makes this love language one of the most frustrating to love back. They might consent to having you work alongside them, but rarely will they allow you to actually DO something FOR them. They will politely tell you they are fine, and that doing for others is all the reward they need.
But – as a wife who is married to a man who shouts – No. Screams. – love to everyone in the form of his utterly selfless service to others – he desperately needs our service to him!
Words, gifts, and affection are all welcomed and appreciated. And for a time, people with this love language will accept those things as your appreciation for what they do.
But – hear me, please – If, at some point, they do not receive some sort of service in return from those they love so lavishly, they WILL begin to feel taken advantage of, and they will be deeply hurt. FAR more than they will EVER say.
They will never admit it, and if you don’t take time to get to know them well enough to notice minor changes in their attitude or responses, you will miss their bitterness. And trust me – if they are allowed to serve to the point of exhaustion and frustration, bitterness is there. The feeling of being used and taken advantage of is there. They won’t admit it, because they understand that part of serving others is doing it with without expecting anything in return. They will convince you AND themselves that the solution is to serve MORE, to give MORE, to do MORE because that is what they NEED from those around them. Whether they admit it or not. Until they have nothing left to give, and they give up, convinced they aren’t loved or wanted – just needed for what they do.
Is it reality? Probably not, but it IS reality to them.
Is there someone in your sphere of influence who never seems to stop? Someone who is always doing things for others? Someone who never seems to say “No.” when a job needs done?
Check on them. Don’t ask if they need anything. They will tell you the same thing every time: “No. I’m good.” And, they are good. But they need your love in the form of your service. Ask them what they are working on and find a wayto help them. Offer to do something specificinstead of asking what you can take off their hands. If you ask, they probably won’t tell you because they don’t want to put something on YOUR plate.
“Actions speak louder than words.” Is their mantra. The problem is, most of us aren’t listening.