Today is my birthday. I’ll be forty-mumbleyears old, and I finally feel like I know who I am.
But as I not only celebrate being forty-mumble years old, I am also celebrating my 20thyear of calling Jesus the Lord of my life.
Looking back to the day I said yes to Jesus, and seeing how much I’ve changed is almost unexplainable. I am not the same person I was in 1998. I fear less, I love more, and I no longer draw my sense of self-worth from what I do or what people think of me.
My value is determined by the God who loved me enough to die in order to gain me because He couldn’t stand heaven without me. He chose me when I was an absolute mess. 20 years ago, He listened to me tell Him all the reasons I was too messed up, too broken, too dirty for Him to forgive. In response, He whispered, then spoke, then shouted, “I know it all. I love you anyway. I’ve already forgiven you.”
He called to me until I was out of arguments. I knew I was a mess, but what took time for me to grasp was that He loved me EXACTLY the way I was. And He STILL loves me EXACTLY the way I am.
My value is not based on what I do or don’t do. My value is based on who He says I am, and He says I am HIS child.
That makes me priceless.
That makes me heir to a kingdom.
That makes me the daughter of a King.
I now live my life FROM acceptance, not in pursuit of it, and that changes EVERYTHING. It is a foundation that can’t be shaken, altered, or taken away from me. I don’t do things so that God will love me or love me more. I do what I do BECAUSE God loves me, and because I love Him, I want to please Him. I don’t have to please Him so He will love me.
I wish I could find the words to express what a profound difference is makes to know I am living and working and serving FROM acceptance and not FOR it. (Yes, I know I already said that, but it is so incredibly freeing, I had to repeat it in case you missed the meaning of it the first time.)
I worry less. I stress less. I fear less. I accept others more freely. I LOVE others more freely. All because I am 100% HIS.
Happy Birthday to me! Twice. =)
When I was in my teens, I wanted to be a horse trainer. I rode all kinds and types of horses, I competed, took lessons, and spent every available minute at the barn.
I went to college in the hopes of having a music career. Or something. Looking back, I’m not really sure WHY I went to college other than to say I did it. I listed vocal performance as my major, but I had absolutely no end game or goal for when I graduated. Heck, I didn’t even have a goal for getting through the second semester of classes! I bailed before the third semester was half way done. I gave up on music, though it remained a constant source of enery and encouragement in my life.
I went home, got a job at the bank, and re-kindled my love of horses. Come to think of it, the horse phase lasted pretty much into my early 30’s…When I finally realized I didn’t have the funds or the time to ride horses full time, I mourned the loss of that dream for a very long time, and still had no real purpose or focus in life.
I tried art and portrait photography, but it didn’t take long for me to figure out that one wasn’t my thing. Too bad I bought all that sweet equipment…which is now basically worthless and outdated.
In 2015, I published my first book, and knew I’d FINALLY found what it was I was supposed to be doing. Writing stories helps me work through the things life throws at me, and gives me a place to figure out what I really believe about any given topic.
Earlier this year, I truly felt like I got my music back also. I am privileged to be one of the lead worshippers at my church, and the times I am called on to put together a set list that leads the people into the presence of God is an honor that humbles me.
BUT – none of that has anything to do with knowing who I am. I know who I am because I know Whose I am. I would never have had the courage to publish a book if I didn’t understand that GOD loves me even when critics don’t. I can let their harsh words roll off my back (most of the time…) because my self-worth isn’t riding on the next 5-star review, and it isn’t trashed by the snarky 1-star either.
Being asked to lead worship, to be the one who opens the service and prepares the people to hear what my Pastor is going to share with them is a weighty responsibility. It is more than being able to put together a couple upbeat songs, followed by a medium to slow tempo one that leads to an emotional heart-string puller or high energy anthem that gets the crowd emotionally worked up.
Nope. Both writing and leading worship are birthed from an intimate connection with the God I serve. He leads me to the stories and gives me what I hope is a unique voice and approach to the topic or story that will entertain, encourage, and draw people toward Him. Leading worship, and listening for what journey He wants to take the people on is one of the craziest experiences I’ve ever had. The way He speaks to me and guides me through the journey first as I prepare is humbling and incredibly exciting all at once.